Listen! ^^

eeffllaattuunn:

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Dreaming, thinking…

I could easily give up on my dreams to own a book cafe in a city I wanted to live. Coffee and books sound nice together although I’m not a bookworm myself. But I know plenty of book lover who would love to stick with me there. And of course, I would be so glad to be accompanied by them.

Meh.. What was I dreamin’ anyway?

Just let me know if you fancy :)

Trying to cease the god damn thoughts…

Looking at the last year, seeing so much of burden, so much struggle. I see myself having a lot to deal with. Gladrin the Dwarf left. Uni stuff was tough. Future plans were keeping me worried. I was bored pretty much of everything. I needed a change for sure. Turning back to hometown was a change although it was not the kind of change that I expected. It was okay for a short time. But now, maybe because it has become unbearable lately, I realize I miss those days even if it wasn’t the golden era in my lifetime. I miss the guys. I’m willing them to be around again.

Now the thing what annoying me is just a simple question. “Do I really want those times back?” If the answer is yes, since when the hell have I gotten stuck in the past? But the answer is no. Not that I want to take those times back. It was me who lived it and who had those friends, all in all. And I still have all the XP somewhere deep inside, and my dear friends on my side. Living those days back once more today wouldn’t be enough to make me happy.  Like Yaprak said, the only thing I’m missing is old me.  And now, I am somewhere really really far from that person who I used to be. She had the strength to fight for what she wanted. She had beliefs. Now I don’t even feel capable to find out what I really want to do. She would manage to walk through anything somehow. Now, I’m stumbling already, and I’m not even sure if I can straighten up and move on. Not even sure if I’m making excuses or I really don’t have anything to do. Are my hands really tied up or do I just simply find it easier to sit crying and blaming the others.

Other than that mess, I do have some tiny things that I want to achieve. But failing to get focused on them is killing me slowly.  Just simple as that… Losing my concentration and motivation easily as my mood swings. Then I start thinking that I wasn’t really sure of what I wanted to do. Or, see, I haven’t maganed to figure out where to start yet.

P.S.: I’ve just read what I wrote from the beginning. I guess it’s nothing but some ordinary words showing that I’m having an ordinary depression. Not thinking of committing suicide or anything yet, no worries. The only thing I need is to be heard of.

For James…

I’d like to give him all the sand turtles. 

And I’d attempt to kill all the sand monsters even though I know they have the right to exist and live as well as the sand turtles… I wouldn’t hesitate doing that evil thing. Just to ensure that he could save the last sand turtle…

If only I could… ^^

Thinking with Portals - A Memorandum

It is not our intention to replace popular transportation methods such as ship, zeppelins, andflightmasters. These are cheap, practical, and safe methods of transportation. Portals, when used properly, are just as safe and certainly faster. HOWEVER, in practice portals have a history of being a burden on any society in which it is offered to the general public. Of all the major spells developed and maintained by the Kirin Tor (including polymorph), portal technology is the closest to becoming banished from anything but emergency usage.

Why all the trouble? First, Ley Lines don’t grow on trees. Massive traffic through a Line from all over Azeroth wears down the infrastructure and must be periodically replaced. We charge the mage for every portal via reagent taxes, and encourage mages to pass off these charges to those using the portal. But these taxes don’t even begin to cover the time cost of replacing a Line, only the materials.

Remember that a portal most used is a portal most efficient: More persons using a single portal causes no further stress to the Ley Lines, and is encouraged. A “Portalpooling” program is in the works that will give tax breaks to mages who create portals for no less than (5) persons. Read your latest issue of “Kirin Tor Monthly” to see the progress of the Portalpooling program.

Second, while a properly used portal is just as safe as your average zeppelin trip (maybe more so considering the engineering practices of goblins), an improperly used portal can potentially yield dire results. Here is a list of immutable regulations for appropriate portal usage:

Rule #1: Do not create a portal to anywhere but the designated Kirin Tor drop-off zones. The most dangerous aspect of the portal spell is its vast potential. We realize it’s easy for a mage to create a door to anywhere, so our only way to combat such potentially deadly acts is to make it punishable by death. Special Issue License D-6 permits open portal usage, but is rarely issued. Speak with your local Portal Trainer about qualifying for this license.

Rule #2: Create a portal in the proper place, and use it in the proper way. Do not create a portal beneath the feet of someone. Do not linger halfway in and out of a portal. The portal is not a garbage disposal. The portal is not a shield. Do not use a portal like an umbrella, or any kind of shelter from the elements.

Do not back out of a portal after partially entering it. Do not try and “grab” the edges of the portal, either from the inside or the outside. A portal does not create “handlebars” to assist usage, and disruption of its boundaries is dangerous.

Rule #3: Never force or trick anyone to go through a portal. Not only is this a great way to lose repeat customers, it’s also incredibly dangerous (See Rule #2).

Rule #4: Do not have someone who is polymorphed enter a portal. This has yet to not cause an explosion. This is also covered in “Polymorphic Rules & Regulations.”

Rule #5: Do not remove the liquid filter from a portal spell. Portals innately prevent large amounts of flowing water through them so that they can be cast underwater. To allow for water elementals to use a portal, this filter can be omitted when casting. Do not omit this when underwater! We feel obligated to mention Moderately Severe Claims Disaster Case 34-zz: “The Great Lakeshire Drought & The Great Ironforge Flood of 24 A.D.”

Rule #6: Standard Portal dimensions are 3 yards, 1 foot, and 3/4 inches tall, 2 yards, 8 feet, 9 and 15/16 inches wide. Double-wide portal creation requires Special Issue License G-16, and is commonly issued to mages with a clean portal record of 8 years or more. Speak with your local Portal Trainer about qualifying for this license.

<This goes on for hundreds of pages>

Thinking with Portals - A Memorandum. Dalaran.

Blinking Rules&Regulations

Short range full-body instant cast teleportations have specific rules and boundaries which must be adhered to at all times. This book is a guideline for proper usage of this travel option, to ensure a safe and expedient teleportation. 

Rule #1: Never blink into space occupied by anyone else. Blink, as it has been taught, replaces the air and water from the casters target position, to the casters starting position. The spells success and widespread use is based on its simple elegance: The real objective of the spell is to replace the casters body with whatever is in front of them - the fact that the caster is moved to that area is the side-effect. 

The spell is elegant enough to recognize and avoid people most of the time. Immense Kirin Torresources are being spent to perfect an already nearly flawless spell, but be warned that deliberate blinking into others may result in one of three outcomes: The caster replaces the target, the target replaces the caster, or both occupy the same space, creating a sickly abomination the likes of which even The Scourge would exile from their ranks. If you would like to prevent one of these three tragedies, please be mindful of your blink target areas. Which brings us to… 

Rule #2: Look where you’re going! After a staggering number of incidences that were the product of people violating Rule #1, the Kirin Tor has moved this rule up from its previous position at #8 to here. We understand that accidents happen, but some accidents are not so easily remedied. Remember mages, look both ways before crossing the Astral Plane! 

Rule #3: Don’t blink to anywhere you can’t see. This is a variation of Rule #2 that deserves special mention, due to the fact that this rule is the one most commonly broken on purpose. Like Rule #2, we have gotten increasing reports of mages meeting tragic ends with their blink. Some mages admitted to consciously trying to blink through walls, into dark areas, and even inside crates in a desperate attempt to hide from pursuers. We cannot stress enough how foolish this is. 

Solid matter is connected to itself rigidly enough to, well, make it solid. Unlike air and water, which can be easily separated and swapped, the bonds of solids WILL translate onto the caster. The Kirin Tor feels obligated to list all documented Small Claims Disaster Cases pertaining to blinking inside solid objects. Memorize these claims, and avoid making the same mistakes yourselves: 

10012-c: “Removal of bar stool from hip of Squibly Ratchetdibble via fire. Collateral burns minimal.” 

19798-g: “Removal of (3) mithril support rods from head of Jenus Killian via corrosive brew. Thanks to RAS for donation of mentioned brew. Side-effect: Permanent hair loss of affected area.” 

14761-aa: “Removal of Cynthia Wallerby from side of barn via Goblin Shredder. Collateral damage is, unfortunately, severe. However, Mrs. Wallerby can still enjoy a full life with one hand and foot.” 

16616-x: “Removal of Harland Wilson from statue of General Turalyon via magma, shipped from Ironforge. Collateral damage moderate. Mr. Wilson was unharmed, but nearby school children witnessed the General being melted to retrieve him, and were consequently scarred for life.” 

11773-c: “Removal of (6) Snapvine Watermelons from torso of Sinella Redblade. Collateral damage minimal. (4) melons salvaged and donated to local orphanage.” 

<This goes on for hundreds of pages>

Bilinking Rules&Regulations. Dalaran. 
E-book on Wowwiki :D

Düş.

Daha sabah olmamıştı karnımdaki binlerce bıçağın acısıyla uyandığımda. Gözlerimi bile açamadan iki büklüm oluverdim yatağımda. Gördüğüm rüyayı aklımdan çıkarmaya çalışıyordum hep. Bir süre bu ağrının geçmesini bekledim. Nefes almayı yeniden başardığımda, biraz olsun aralayabildim gözlerimi. Telefonuma uzandım, yığınla mesaj vardı. Anlık bir titreşimle bile uyanan ben, nasıl olmuş da bu kadar mesajı duymamıştım acaba. Ya da oda arkadaşım duymuş muydu, uyanıp rahatsız olmuş muydu mesaj seslerinden…

Mesajlar hep senden gelmişti, şaşırdım. Böyle utangaç mesaj atmazdın sen, hayırdır? Cümleleri parçalayıp parçalayıp atmışsın hep. Neden yaptın ki öyle? Bir de rüyamda gördüğüm sendin yine. Ama bu kez ilk defa, aylarca gördüğüm o aptal rüyada değildin.

Karşımdaydın.
Sarıldık. Bırakmadın. Kaçmak istediğimde bile kaçamadım. Öyle sıkı sarıldın ki, nefes alamadım. Öptün sonra. Öyle bir öpücük görmedim hayatımda. Demirden mi dudakların be adam? Dudaklarım bitti, yanaklarım bere oldu, mosmor oldu. Uyandığımda sanki hala izi vardı, yüz kaslarım felçti. Demek nefes alamayışım da sımsıkı sarıldığındandı.

Güzel rüyaydı aslında. Ama seni yanımda istemedim. Zorla tuttun beni, hoşlanmadım. Hep kaçmak istedim.

Neden sonra uyanabildim. Biraz kendime geldiğimdeyse attığın mesajları gördüm. Kafam karıştı. Duygularım karıştı. Boşlukta hissettim. Sinirlendim. Sinirden ağlamak istedim. Kusmak istedim.

O anda yapabileceğim en iyi şey tekrar uyumaktı. Sabah bir çare bulunurdu nasıl olsa.

Sabah uyandığımda hala iki büklümdüm yatakta. Gözlerim, sımsıkı yumulmaktan yorgun gibiydi. Örtüyü kafama çekip bir süre öylece bekleyip düşündüm. Hala unutmak istiyordum ama uyumak pek işe yaramıyordu anlaşılan.

Yatağımda doğruldum. 
Telefonuma baktım. 
Yalnızca bir mesaj vardı ve senden değildi. Sildim onu.
Gelen mesaj kutusunda ise sana ait hiç mesaj yoktu. Demek o da rüyaydı. Oda arkadaşımı hiç rahatsız etmemiştim…
Aptal hissettim… Ve boşluktaymış gibi… 

İç geçirdim…
Sonra, yalnızca kalktım ve bugünlerde en iyi yaptığım şeyi yaptım. 
Hiç birşey olmamış gibi güne başladım.

Yaprak

<haiku>

Yapraklar düşer,
Aşka yolculuk diye,
Çöpçü süpürür… 

</haiku>

<not>

2 sene önce mi yazmıştım bunu?
Aklıma geldi birden.. Evet, özledim deli karı! Nolcak? 

</not>

Eğer başarabilmek…

<içsel blog yazısı>

O cümleyi kurduğumu, evet aynı cümleyi kurduğumu, fark ettim bugün. Bundan 2 sene önce, yapmayı denediği her şeyde başarısız olmuş bi arkadaşımın cümlesi… “Son denemem” demişti, “Şu durumda eğer bunu başarabilirsem, artık kimse tutamaz beni.” Ama kaybetti bir kez daha ve her şeyden vazgeçti. Zaten bize sarılmayı düşünmedi bile, koptu gitti sadece. Tutabilmeyi de istemezdim açıkçası.

Benim son denemem falan değil, o kadar karamsar değilim ben. Çabucak sıkılıp vazgeçebilirim bundan ama başka bişey yapmaya mutlaka devam ederim. Benim merak ettiğim, “Eğer şu durumda bunu başarabilirsem artık beni kimse tutamaz.” gibi bir cümle kurmanın eşiği ne? O kadar kolay mı bu sözleri söylemek? Ne yapmayı deneyip de başarısız olmuştu ki o? Yalnızca 1-2 dersten kalmak ya da dönem tekrarı mıydı olay? Ötesi yoktu. Bu kadar mı güçsüzdü? Ya da minnacık kaygıları büyütüp büyütüp, sonra da baş edemiyor muydu?
“Eğer bunu başarabilirsem..” derken gözlerinde gördüğüm ışık yetmiyordu aşmasına. Çünkü belki de içten içe kaybetmeyi istiyordu.

Pekiyi… Zor zamanlarda bir şeyler üretebilmek, normalde üretilenlere kıyasla daha değerli olacak haliyle. Daha iyi bir ürün olmayabilir belki ama daha çok mücadele demek, daha farklı yaşantılar ve daha fazla xp demek^^ Sana katacağı şeyler daha değerli demek.
Beni de en iyi o cümle ifade ediyor. Arkadaşımın 2 yıl önce yaşadıklarıyla kendimi kıyaslayacak değilim asla. Ama yine de onunla aynı sözleri sarf etmenin inanılmaz derecede iç gıcıklandırıcı olduğunu itiraf etmeliyim…

</içsel blog yazısı>

<not>

“Each challenge you conquer, makes you stronger!” demişti Gladrin cücesi, tabi ki unutmadım. ^^

</not>